Sad Realities

Yesterday’s ride back to the coast became a test in patience and control. M— and I had been on the outskirts of Omaruru to purchase last-minute drinks and snacks at a gas station whose ownership had recently been turned over to a black Namibian, when M— made a comment regarding “blacks and their inability to take something over and run it nicely.” Immediately, I felt as if a dozen fists had sunk into my solar plexis. As he left me in the car to purchase his drinks, I simultaneously felt myself becoming aufgeregt and numb. Mostly, I could hardly believe what I had just heard coming from the mouth of the person who said it. When he returned, I became noticeably quiet and continued to be so as we headed west along the tarred road to Swakop.

For the next 30 minutes, we argued about things so absurd that I cannot even repeat them here. The conversation perpetuated my feeling of numbness and defeat. Mostly, I just wanted to get the hell out of Namibia, away from the bigots I'd encountered who despite being in this beautiful country filled with incredible adventures and experiences managed to mar its allure with the stain of chauvinism and profound lack of humanity.

Angry tears formed underneath my sunglasses but I dared not let one spill out into open view. I resolved to leave Swakop as soon as practical; I had absolutely null desire to have M— as my teacher anymore. This entire experience, which up to this point had radiated such a sense of warmth—of magic, even—became irreversibly weighed down by sad realities. Suddenly, my desire to fly as I had the week before on my dune next to the sea seemed futile. My heart was simply no longer in it.

The day’s events pulled me in a strange, surreal space. Shortly after we arrived at M—'s house, I excused myself and went to my room filled with nothing but a drum set and a mattress. I called upon any energy which happened to be around to help me recharge mentally and spiritually so that I would be able to properly start a new day. I wanted so badly to leave but in the end, I chose to stay. Running away has never proven itself to be a solution in my life.