Here.

The day is ending,
our life is one day shorter.
Let us look carefully
at what we have done.
Let us practice diligently,
putting our whole heart into the
path of meditation.
Let us live deeply each moment
in freedom,
So time does not slip away
meaninglessly.

-Thich Nhat Hanh



---



It took me a long time to understand what this really means:

Things happen the way they "should."

Thank You

I wasn't expecting to reach this page back when I purchased this journal with Emily in August, as I was (planning) to leave Denver. Since then, many things have taken my path in surprising directions. I am sitting here, in the UNHCR guesthouse in Zambia working with refugees, smiling at my colleagues, my friends and family in the US, the full moon outside, and my past self at the beginning of this book who had no idea where she was heading. I can't say that this has changed much but I see now that there was a path, just not one laid out before me.

I smile at the Buddha(s) {teachers} who teach me, the Dharma {teachings} which guides my best actions, and the Sangha {community} which supports me, even if it presents itself as tough love sometimes. Every moment contained in this book was a lesson and something for which to be incredibly thankful. This book holds the details of my sacred circle, everything comprising my environment, to which I am heavily indebted. So, thanks, to anyone who may be reading this and everything that most likely never will.

To the people and things which provided me comfort and to those which/who showed me where I hold myself back, this book is for you. I am so very happy to be alive, here with you, in this beautiful world. Won't you join me for a moment in a space between words, thoughts, and concepts? Just follow your breath....

Arriving Home

After speaking with Charles out on the porch tonight admidst the stars and the waxing moon shining overhead, I began to understand why, even as a refugee, he did not want to return to the Congo. He explained to me that he could not even express the things he felt whenever he thought of Moba; I could see the enormous pain, anger, and frustration in his eyes as he momentarily relived the events which had brought him here. That place, which was once filled with memories of youth and prosperity, could no longer rightly be called home, for 'home' is a place of comfort -- a place of refuge, so to say.

We have spent the last month talking about the past, the future, our dreams, frustrations, our realities. For the past weeks since I have arrived at Kala Camp, in these discussions over the warm coal fire, I have also taken refuge, away from troubling thoughts and anxieties.

Whenever I awake in the morning to find the smoke of the smouldering coals glowing only dimly under a thick blanket of ash, I feel the fire continuing to burn brightly in me. It is with this fire that I am able to light the coals night after night, as darkness falls, and I seek the refuge of warmth once more.

It is this fire that compels me to continue on this journey, seeking to understand my world.

On Cross-Cultural Friendships

Living here has caused me to notice group dynamics and how they continually shift and change. In some groups, people open up, laugh, smile, and contribute. In others, they sit quietly, shyly, and awkwardly to where it becomes apparent that they do not consider themselves a true participant, or are unable to make themselves one.

The factors which determine a person's reaction to a group are largely lingual and cultural. If you are introduced to a completely new culture, you are bound to feel like an outsider unless there is some other ground upon which you can transcend these barriers and connect to the group. This is why people with an especially joyful disposition and open mind (or a love for soccer, haha...) are likely to find it easier to dive into a group with a new culture and language.

Of course, humour has always been the universal ice-breaker and should not be underestimated for its ability to initiate conversation. Nonetheless, many find the aforementioned barriers insurmountable and never reach the level of intimacy with the group that they would like.

As someone from a different socio-economic background and a non-Bemba/Kiswahiki speaker, I often find a large gap between my typical (or feasible!) topics of discussion and those of a refugee. My circumstances can isolate me and make it difficult for me to determine exactly where I would fit into Congolese/Zambian society. Many of my relationships here feel superficial, strained, or contrived as a result.


One another note, an interesting quote from a co-worker from earlier today: "I don't blame anybody else because then I would have to also blame myself for not doing everything I could to fix this..." It's food for thought.

This Sacred Life

Sometimes, it is difficult to realise that you are already on a sacred journey. You arrive somewhere and you think, I only need to make a, b, and c happen. Then, the real adventure will begin. There are many excuses for refusing to take the present moment for "the real thing" as opposed to mere preparation for such. However, every moment counts -- it is both the rehearsal and the production, the first and final draft. Now is not the time to be lazy in anticipation of another, more important period of your life. How you live this very moment will influence your future in substantial ways which you cannot understand right now.

One seemingly insignificant action can change the entire course of your life. I saw this while travelling to San Francisco six months ago in search of a job with no planned direction. I just showed up with a plane ticket, a business suit, a resume, and a small hope.

When you go to bed each night, how will you end your day? Will you reflect on what has happened and learn from it, or will you allow each daily lesson to pass by in forgetfulness? There is never a moment where an opportunity does not exist to learn, grow, and expand your perceptions and acceptance of this life. You learn to take humour out of annoyances and the things that scare you. You learn to let go and relax. You begin to allow yourself to be present, as you are, without needing to escape to somewhere else...

Waking Up, Getting Out

It's funny how the most acute suffering can arise from an inability to motivate oneself to do something. I started feeling a bit down this afternoon while sitting in my room during lunch hour. My mind drifted off to the past and future, as it is often wont to do in pauses between working, especially when I am alone. I kept shaking myself (metaphorically, of course :-) ) and saying, "Wake up! Look here!" But my mind was up to its old tricks, trying to tense up and avoid the undesirable. It refused to tell my body to get up and get the heck out of the house. It wanted to stay at home and think miserable thoughts instead.

I finally convinced it to bike to the office. When I got there, I found it quite enjoyable to edit footage for a while and give my pent-up creativity a chance to surface. Then, to balance things out, I went on a bike ride to my special place outside the camp and did some climbing. It was absolutely fabulous, as I knew it would be!

.

Heather, if you are reading this right now feeling a bit melancholic, irritated, tense, and/or impatient, it's probably because you've been in what Ms. Chödrön terms a "smelly coccoon" for much too long. It's time for you to fly out.

I have never underestimated the human tendency for restlessness, but I also believe that it can be overcome through the willingness to step outside the mental formations that prevent one from transforming it.

Ethical Relativity

Exhausted from operating day after day with practically no support or resource availability. I am left in quite a tangled web of politics (specifically -- intra-organisational, inter-organisational, with government officials, and the refugees themselves) with no sense of orientation. On top of that, finances are in dire need of mitigation, other resources such as power, internet, and transportation have become increasingly more unreliable.

I am feeling overwhelmed. I don't even know where to begin fixing things and can already see how patching one hole will cause four others to burst. I feel particularly responsible to the refugee community, which tends to get the shortest end of the stick in situations like these, when things keep failing despite our most sincere endeavors.

I am trying to maintain a head on firm shoulders but everything is SO relative here. What is right and what is wrong? Even my gut cannot tell anymore...