Take Whatever Comes

I spent this weekend by myself in the camp, at home trying to recover from whatever illness overcame me in the last week. Though I've spent much of the time in bed, I managed to get to the market to buy some vegetables and learn how to start a fire with coals, a candle, a cardboard box, and some matches. I find it difficult to feel pity for myself in any capacity, considering what my closest neighbours endure to survive here in this camp.

I have the luxury of spending the day in bed when I feel unwell and having someone to cook for me. I also have medicine and permission to leave the camp at will. I opted to stay in Kala as opposed to travelling to Kawambwa, where a slightly better array of creature comforts exists, because I feel more comfortable here.

This is my home now, even though my mind does occasionally wander back to Colorado. I feel more solidarity with my friends in the camp than any random Mzungus I might find elsewhere, the refugees' opinion of me NOTwithstanding. I can already see progress since I have come to Kala -- I am okay here. I don't feel a strong urge to escape to somewhere else even though life can be quite difficult sometimes. I am calmer even though -- I stress -- this is not to say that things have even generally gone my way, because they haven't. I can smile knowing that when I worry, I'm okay. And that it is also 'okay' to worry. I doubt that I will ever get to a point where I am calm in everything that I do. In fact, I have abandoned that endeavor. The point is not to seek continual calmness but to relax in the unease of being 'in-between.'

When I feel okay inside myself, the whole world seems okay. By "okay" I do not mean to imply that it is without problems or suffering, which would be a ludicrous assertion after the things I have recently seen. It just seems flexible and pliable, whereas at other times, it might seem overwhelming and "solid."

My tolerance for pain and disappointment has most certainly improved since I've been here, including -- in large part -- the pain of realising that I am slowly moving away from some of the most prominent people of my past...